I Wanted To Believe (and so I wrote)

I read a blog post from talented writer Shelly Drymon entitled “Writing Just for Self-Expression”:  http://themomentsofmylife.com/?p=1388#comments

This topic interested me, because I do write just for fun.  I’ll never forget the first time I did it, thirteen years ago.  Before then, the only writing I did was journaling.  And that was fun too.  But I was addicted to the show “The X-Files” (which I still love, and nerd that I am, I have to announce that X-Files is celebrating twenty years from the time the first episode was aired–today.  A sacred day for us Philes).  It had endearing characters, interesting plots, and aliens.  What could be better?

But the writers left certain *ahem* adult aspects out of the plot, for a long time anyway.  We waited seven years for that first “real” kiss between Mulder and Scully, and certain stories lingered, desperately in need of a satisfying resolution.  This is when I discovered something called “Fanfiction.”

Now I would like to say that I know for sure that fanfiction began with The X-Files, or that term “shippers” was introduced because of the show, but I suspect some Star Trek fans out there would object.  What I can tell you is that I eagerly read those first stories based on the show thinking I was going to get a continuation of some of the episodes.  And I was disappointed, I am sorry to say. 

Now, I know there were some good stories out there, ones where Mulder and Scully set out on new adventures, or we got to see what happened between “The Truth” and “I Want to Believe”.  But most of what I read was just soft porn–X porn, if you will.  There was no story, or it was something you would see in a bad Jenna Jameson movie.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But I wanted more.

So I wrote my first story.  The first one was horrible, I’m sure, and I doubt that it is still floating around in cyberspace anymore.  But I wrote more.  And over the years, I have returned to fanfiction writing, and I’ve learned some things from it (and from books and online courses–let’s give credit where credit is due).  I learned to release stories in chapters–I tended to write the entire story all in one sitting, and learned that fans found 10,000 words all at once to daunting.  I started out writing stories picking up where episodes left off, having the partners eventually give in to their chemistry just for self-gratification.  And then I wrote original stories of my own.  This led to me eventually writing my own series of short stories (stay tuned–I will be releasing the first installment of “QuID: Quantum Investigation Division” in October), and fanfiction for another show (Law and Order: Special Victims Unit).

What did I discover from this experience?

1.  Writing can be fun, even when you have no followers (although it’s even more addictive when you DO get a following).

2.  X-Files in particular is fun to write, because the topics are ENDLESS.  My new series will be paranormal/science fiction as well, because I like the unlimited subject matter.

3.  The most important thing I learned from writing fanfiction is that it is cathartic.  Sure, I want a publishing deal where someone hands me a big fat check to sit around and write another novel.  But the reason I write goes way beyond this.  I write because, when I feel my worst, like the universe is out to get me, when my soul is tormented, I can sit down and torture my characters, and get my feelings down on paper.  I do my best writing this way.  As sadistic as it sounds, I put my characters through hell, because that is how I release the emotions from me and put them onto the paper, killing two birds with one stone.

The converse goes for when I’m in a good mood.  That’s the perfect time to write humorous stories (for you X-files fans, I wrote an ending for “Small Potatoes” called “I’m Not In Love” that you won’t want to miss).  And when I’m horny. . . well, you get the idea. 

So yeah, I do strive to be a better writer and sell my stories.  But I would write anyway–I have discovered that I can’t NOT write. And that, my friends, is the true meaning of “passion.”

If anyone wants to check out my fanfiction, for what it’s worth, it’s on fanfiction.com under the pen name Crowdreamer.  Warning–it’s all M rated, and some of it is really dark, and much of it has adult content. 


Why Law and Order SVU is so addictive

Okay, so I’m not going to say that the show “saved my life”, like the author of this article:


I have to admit, I have probably wasted countless hours watching endless episodes of Law and Order SVU for the sole purpose of the thrill of it.  Something about rape and child abuse and domestic violence and torture and sex trafficking has a profoundly personal feel about it that draws me in like a bad car accident.  But I can relate to the second to the last paragraph of the article:

“I think there’s an element of fantasy resolution in those episodes that people can escape into,” [Dr. Lawrence Rubin, a Professor of Counselor Education at St. Thomas University in Miami and a frequent blogger for Psychology Today]  says [about Law and Order: Special Victims Unit]. “There’s a neatness and tidiness there that people wish they could have in their own life. There’s high drama and pain that’s resolved. Though people recognize that it’s contrived, it still gives them an opportunity to process how trauma gets resolved.”

Bingo.  There’s something deeply satisfying about watching a morally incorruptable-yet-flawed female detective go after the bad guys and at the same time, sit with the victims and comfort them in their biggest time of need.  It makes you feel like, if there are such people in the world, maybe they will be there for you in your time of need too (And there are, by the way.  I have encountered such angels in my road to healing from old trauma).

So it makes sense then, that I like to write fanfiction stories based on the TV series, where a rescuer comes in to help the main character in her biggest time of need.  I like the idea that someone is out there who cares, someone who will be there to comfort and listen and help a woman process the trauma she has been through.  I can’t justify putting off doing laundry for one more day to watch countless re-runs, but at least I can justify occassionally watching something that motivates me to create an interesting and gratifying story. 

And I’m guessing I must not be the only person out there who enjoys such tales, judging by the number of readers following my stories.

Subjects moms once thought were useless

Son:  I ate four chicken nuggets. Can I be done?
Mom:  I gave you six nuggets.  There are four nuggets left.  That means you only ate two.  Keep eating.
ZhuZhu Pet Ramp Assembly Instructions:  Step 12.  Assemble the tunnel tops by pressing one hinge post into matching hinge notch on the tunnel section and then snap in the other hinge.
Silly putty + fleece = hardened vomit-looking stain.  Add vegetable oil + laundry detergent and water = fleece without silly putty.
To remove an oval-shaped object (head of a 5-year-old) from a rectangle (space between two stair railings), turn sideways and pull back with force.
Word Problems
A car leaves the garage at 6:45 a.m. carrying two children, ages 3 and 5.  It travels five miles at 35 mph because of rush hour traffic, and spends an extra ten minutes waiting at red lights.  It waits in line at the drop-off for the school for 20 minutes, and then accelerates to 60 mph to rush off to the day care.  If the car travels another ten miles, what time does the driver arrive at work?
–C.J. Ragsdale, April 2013

Revalations from a Fringe Binge (or why I love TV)

I grew up spending hours a day in front of the TV.  I went through a period of my life, in my late 20’s and early 30’s, where I gave it up for the most part.  I couldn’t tell you who Doug was seeing in the ER, or who Johnny Depp played on 21 Jump Street, or who shot JR.  I felt a sense of self-satisfaction at my TV abstinence. 

My reasoning was purist–anything consumed in mass quantities is bad for you, whether it’s drugs or alcohol, or something as seemingly benign as Dance Dance Revolution (although that at least has physical exertion associated with it).  In short, I didn’t want my brain to waste away from mindless viewing of other people’s fictional lives.

So I have to confess I was a little embarrassed last week when I watched four entire seasons of Fringe in about a week and a half (great show–I’ll write about it in an upcoming entry).

I spent one guilt-filled hour after another consuming every detail of this disturbing yet addictive show.  But I walked away from it a better person, and here’s why:  it made me a better writer.

I’ve come to view television (and movies, and other books) in a different light since I began to take writing seriously.  Nowadays, when I get into a story, I examine it to see what makes it so compelling.  Why was I so obsessed with it that I had to watch it streaming from Netflix over my smart phone for hours while I was working an overnight shift? Why did I get so annoyed that I had to stop my binge for five minutes when one of my kids fell and was gushing blood?  (This didn’t really happen, by the way–as a writer, I like to embellish a little.  Please nobody call DFS)  And how can I turn my stories into THAT?

It made me want to drop everything and create that same level of suspense in my story.  After I walked away from my eye-glazing trance when the fourth season was over (the fifth season isn’t on Netflix yet–I need to clear a few days from my schedule when it is), I was able to see places in my manuscript where I could throw in little hints instead of giving too much away, where I could create a cliff-hanger here or there, where I could make a little more tension between the main characters. 

So for now, when any story sucks me in so intensely, I am going to shrug off the guilt and let the show sweep me away, and I’m going to justify it as a boost to my creative abilities.

Or at least, that’s what I’m going to tell myself.  Now leave me alone–I’m off to watch Hannibal!